mY swEet oNliNe dIaRy

back back in action...

2005-10-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

I haven been writing in to this blog for a very long time.. hehe..
so here i am, updating... With my pictures... enjoy!

This is my lovely UNGLAM xiongdi.. haha... well well... before he start spreading that i think brazilian wax can be used on the chest area, i shall box box box him.... HEE HA!!!!

This is jiawei and me...
haha..
we are in the chemistry lecture... hmm.. and why are we taking photos instead of studying???
heHe... haha.. oops! GOT CAUGHT RED-HANDED! wasn't studying..! haha.. oh man... how to listen lah? pie-bong? haha...

This is my lovely boyfriend..
I wana give credit to him for being there for mi..
For understanding my feelings..
tolerating my ignorance and temper...
kiss kiss kiss.......~~~~~~
what do i do without him in my life....oh... so sweet right?
haHa.. i know...

what should i do?

2005-09-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

haiz...

I'm so lost... i feel so disorientated... I dunno what to do...
I don't know what's wrong with mi at all...
I keep crying...
emotions are overflowing and the weirdest thing is?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW Y...
so don't ask mi why too...

u can say i'm stressed..
there are many things bothering mi...
i have so many many weird weird feelings filling mi these few days...

What should i do?
tell mi oh tell mi...

I need help..
i'm falling..
falling...

2005-08-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

y muz it be such a coincidence?

just when i tot nothing would go wrong in this relnship, something had to happen.
wat's wrong???!?!?! i knew it. how could something be perfect?

i had to be someone whom birthday matters to me. He had to be someone who is so family-oriented. He had to share the same birthday as mi.

I am really sick of such a life. Why muz something happen just when i tot i was enjoying and that everything is going to be smooth-sailing?

y am i always 2nd place?
friends, family...

There are so many ways of dealing with things.
Y muz u choose this way?

Y? y? y? y? y? y? y?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?1

Just when i tot he was the perfect guy, just when i tot i saw a future with him.
He was the first guy i saw a future with.
He was the first guy that also had to do this to mi.

Y muz he be so family-oriented????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(X 10000000000000000000000000)

he's just spending the day with mi this year because it's a friday and not a saturday!

He broke my heart.

And i no longer wan him to mend it back.

I wan peace.

I no longer wan to think abt it.

perhaps even, i no longer wan him.

*p.s : we are like two ppl on 2 diff tracks. we seem to be running together, but it was just a coincidence. We just bummed into each other. But the truth is, we are running in the opposite direction all along.....

clearing my throat..

2005-08-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Studying at mac again....
well.... lazing ard a bit...
today, constance was singing outside lee wee nam library...
WOOHOO! Way to go Constance!!! u rock!!!

things are going fine..
my first official day of school and i saw my "beloved" ber ber!!!
and went to chem lect with jiawei..
and found out i'm in the same class as my jc fren!!!!
haHahahAhahHAhahaHAa........

hmmm... had dinner with my dear dear neil!!! haHa.. and his handsome fren Andrew and pretty jiawei!! after which i went home la..
finally...... i woke up at 7a.m loh... 7...7...7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ok... dun type le.. it's time for mi to carry on with my tutorial..
before i go off... just wana reinforce this point....
I HATE CEE!!!!!

yoz yoz!

2005-08-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

People, I'm back... after a long while..

I'm now in my stupid computing tut... bloody hell...
in the morning..
can u believe it?
when has ashlyn Koh ever woken up so early in her life??????
haha... anyway, wana thank daniel for directing mi to the lab or else i seriously believe i would have gotten lost loh....

great day ahead ppl... dun wana talk much in case ppl are peeping..
I'm popular know?
haha.. alright.. i"m a bimbo..

hehez...

2005-05-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

hey peepz.... i found tis peom that i written quite a few months back lehz...
I'll type it out for u guys...

"I wish to forget you but no I can't.

I wish to erase everything but it's all undone.

A lot of things,

You never knew about me.

Makes me wonder,

what's wrong with me...

Thousands of emotions,

piercing my heart,

till one day,

it finally torns me apart..

Until then you will find,

the girl you once knew,

the girl you once loved,

is DESTROYED...

You tell me you hate girls who cry..

What you never know is,

you caused me to cry..

In the moment of pain,

I forced the tears out of me,

just to prevent it from scarring within..

Wondering in silence,

when you ever will...

Realize the pain you've been causing me...

I don't want to LET GO

YES I do

I want to last with you

NO I don't

Don't you see the point?

You've blinded my sight.

From now on,

I cant figure out what's right."

poem peom... i wrote it..

2005-05-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

One day if u see mi walking round the streets

hands round another man's waist,

you'll know what u've lost.

You've lost..

A woman's heart as pure,

A woman's love as strong,

A woman's effort as sweet.

Then when u look back and think of the past,

i hope a million pieces will shatter right from ur heart.

And guilt surfacing right in and out.

Look into my eyes and u shall see,

a woman who's now being loved from within,

a woman who's love is still as deep.

a woman who's learnt her lesson.

A woman who's grown and happy.

Just in case u wana know,

that's what i m now without you.

Happy and loved.

i thought....

2005-05-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

yest, which was friday the 13th, i found out that the guy that i was with in the relationship has been two-timing... my heart was torn into 2 pieces. i feel disgusted, disappointed, angry and cheated... Cheated of my feelings, my soul, my time, my time, my everything.......

How could he be such a person?
I kept asking myself repeatedly...
"I thought u trusted him so much.. how come?"
this question kept popping out in my head... It kept re-surfacing on its own...
I couldn't believe that the guy i ever had so much trust and belief in DID this to MI...

I thought u loved mi then....
I thought i truely was wrong when u shoot mi all my mistakes that i made in the relationship...
I truely felt guilty and remorseful..
i told myself i would do anything to make up for the wrongs that i did..

NOW, i realized...
u r a bastard...
U threw all the blame to make urself guilt-free...
how could u?
do u know how much i trusted u?

u piece of crap..
turst mi when i say u will regret... SOMEDAY..
trust mi! that day will come soon... VERY SOON...

clubbing@zouk!

2005-05-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hehe... tonight is the night man! i m going clubbing with my dear ber ber! haHaHaHaHahaHahahaahahaha......

k la k la... anyway, this is gonna be fun i guess alth it's quite stupid onli 2 of us going onli la... haha... tonight also got dinner in orchard with pauline, sean, constance, daniel, shihuan, taoyi, mi, timothy, eileen, ferdi...... hahaha... a lot of ppl la.. if it's ex thou, den i m NOT eating guys! anyway, i'm on a diet la so so so.... u guys go ahead.. i shall just go there and be a flower vase... hua ping.. haHa... a low-quality one though.. Haha..

Ber ber's bf so so sweet... he bought for her SKII essence and a I-pod shuffle.. hahHa.. coz he's wokring mahz.. someday man SOMEDAY.... i shall and I confirm i SHALL find someone as good as him... hehe... GUYS GUYS... NICE GUYS... do do take note of mi la k?

haha.. ok.. i m not guy crazy la for u ppl's info.. i m just alright.. i do take my regular dose of medicine to keep my conscious level clear.... hoho.... meerryyy christmas... going to take my medicine soon...!

found a job...

2005-05-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

hey peepz! i found a job!!! at erm... Far east plaza...! it isn't much of a busy job but then.... since it's not an easy job.... so u dun earn much either! sob sob... i dunno... i dunno if i should get this job... i mean yes yes yes.. it'll be fun and relaxing and i can have time for my frens but... haiz.. i'm not sure...

feelings...

2005-05-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

Well, i have been feeling quite lost recently.. I have to work becoz i need the money... But yet, i dun feel like working... Haiz... It's a very lost feeling i have. It's hard to understand... I still haven found a job but i will soon... have to...

have been going out often, whether it's frens or relatives or my mum.. it's all been really fun and fulfilling... But i still get this empty feeling... There are things i really feel like saying.. I m starting to have feelings for this guy in my school... I dunno if this is right coz it's like i just broke up. Neither do i know whether it's just mi on a rebound phase. Whatever it is, i know i feel something.. I still have feelings for Mingyi i have to admit and that no one can replace his position in my heart at this moment but right now, all i want is to move on in life. I am not going to look back and think of what could have been... It will onli hurt mi more if i do so.. Besides, he was the one who let go of a girl whom hands were going to be holding his, and would always there for him, a girl who was prepared to go thru ups and downs with him, to wait for him no matter what difficulties faced... He neglected and abandoned it and i guess he has no one to blame except he himself...

Now, feelings for the new guy is creeping in.. I tot i should always look for looks and honestly, i do have doubts and uncertainty coz i still am hestitant in terms of his looks. But i know and i guess he will make a very good bf and that he is more mature than the one before... I really dun know. I dun wana hurt someone else anymore. More imptly i dun wan myself to get hurt AGAIN. i had enough of hurt and bruises and empty feelings and promises. Guys always manage to get their way thru my fragile heart, especially those whom i love deeply....

confessions that were hidden...

2005-05-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

i still love u....
As much as i try to bury this feeling i have, it escapes almost everytime...
now.. I m facing it.... i still love u OK?
happy?

ppl tell mi to ignore this feeling but u think it's that easy? no it isn't....

F**k the World...!

2005-05-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

Well, ppl, i m not exactly in a very good mood... in fact, i'm in a super duper lousy mood... heck the world! shit it...!

I dun really know how to let people know how i feel but i do really really feel like shit shit now!

oh bloody hell lah..... forget it.. feel like drowning myself in alcohol now....

Get out, right now...
right now! it's too late.....

studying la studying la...

2005-05-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

I belong to the AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT....!

haha... it is the most complex of the 4styles... This is a result of inconsistent treatment from the caregiver(which is my mum). Sometimes the adult is loving and attentive, yet at other times she is indifferent or rejecting... The caregiver is not only inconsistent but unpredictable as well....

As a result, the children(which is lovely mi!haha...) tend to be preoccupied with relationships... ON one hand, they know others can be loving, so they are drawn to relationships. on the other hand, they realize others can hurt them and be unloving, so they are uneasy with closeness. Thus they act inconsistently too.... One day, they might invite affection and the next day, they rebuff it and deny closeness....

So it was my mum's wrongdoing! She caused my character to be like that... So i see...............
Damn it! argh!

See? so i m innocent.. thus, my bf should be understanding right...? but he wasn't.....
So here i m at mac.. studying and listening to the song by Eamon "Fuck it(i don't want u back)"..

"fuck wat i said, i dun miss u now...
fuck the presents, might as well throw em' out...
fuck all those kisses u've given mi, CHECK...
fuck U u go i dun want u back!"

Love is a complex equation isn't it...? It is one of the few things that can leave someone hanging in the air... Feeling totally lost and uneasy....

It can make u feel wanted and sweet and even, ON TOP OF THE WORLD....
It seems every moment is made specially for the two of u to enjoy...
It seems all ur troubles disppear the moment u lie in his arms....
It makes time spent together fly by real real fast....
It makes u feel as though u are the luckiest person on Earth...

YET....

It can make u feel unwanted and rejected and demoralized...
It is capable of stepping u right down and right on ur face.....
It makes time crawl, and every second is tearing ur heart apart...
It makes u feel as though u are nothing but dirt and nothing could be worser than what u are feeling now...

Welll... LOVE LOVE LOVE..... What can we do about it? tell mi...
Sometimes, when LOVE comes knock knock KNOCKING upon ur door, there's practically nothing u can do about it... RIGHT?

oh well... FACE UP... ACCEPT IT... CRUSH IT!
P.S: easier said then done la uh?

i dun wan to...

2005-04-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

tml my mum asks mi to go to suntec harvey norman with her.. Thing is...
i really dun dare and dun wan to... i dun wan to face the past... At least not now..

Suntec was the place where i first met him at scent shop...
Where every single sweet moment occurred......
was the place he delivered green bean soup and yong tau foo like almost daily...
It was the place where i started to have feelings for him...

It was the place where our love bloomed...
our first movie was after my scent shop routine at marina square...
where we drew portraits.......... at marina square....
where we tried auntie annie's..... and the passionfruit which he liked so much...
and the carrefour which we always go to after work...
and the fountain terrace that we ate the food together...
The burger king where we ate countless caramel pie which made mi grew fat....

The suntec where he would come finding mi after his school at nafa, which is in bugis and walking distance from suntec..

It was the place where he sent mi home every night from for the first 6 months...
It was the place he told mi he'll take away the sadness that my ex brought mi...
It was the place that he told mi that i was the perfect girlfriend...
It was the place he told mi that he loved mi....

Suntec suntec suntec......................................

爱。。。

2005-04-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

有时候，
不是我不想说
更不是我不想理。。。

问题是，
该如何说。。
造成的伤害，
不只你感到痛。

我。。。
又何尝不是。。。
这点我希望你能明白。

爱你的心，
也不是说两三天，
想忘就忘。
爱，根本不该是如此。

我会哭会气会发脾气，
会吃醋也只因一个字。。。。。。。。。。。。

爱。

u r making mi confused..

2005-04-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

I saw him wrote on his msn nick..." And i can't, I can't pick up the pieces.." is that mi he's talking abt? den why did he not come back? so pls stop all these crap of urs.... i had enough.. i thought u were all... obviously, u aren't...

what i did today...

2005-04-28T01:34:00.000-07:00

hmm... today i went ktv with my frens from ntu.. there was shihuan, mervin, constance and cuiyan... haha... it was real fun! ahaaha... after which, i went cuiyan to town...

It was real fun shopping with her lohz.... we went to far east plaza and bought this pair of dangling earrings at 5.90 onli!! haha,... and thing is.. it's super nice! haha.. and i bought a pair of jeans skirt.. those vintage vintage kind lah.. haha... it was cheap too.. ard like $26.00 onli la... BUT again, it's super nice!

den i was sitting with her at the coffee bean outside wheelock place... and and AND... her fren was working there... so we got like... $25 worth of free food and drinks.. haha.. we sat there talking abt gossips and stuff like that... it's like alth she was from teh same class as mi in ntu and jc, we nv really talked so much until just now... i had so so so much fun.. And we were both like saying," aiya! wasted! nv go zara and topshop and mango!" haha.... it's ok actually... we'll go again i'm sure... haha... we are big BIG spenders! haha...

so i went back home ard 11plus lohz... haha.. had a nice and meaningful time...
i suddely realized that i still missed him u know? i mean.. i know i shouldn't but.. feelings are hard to control... plus.. i dun feel it's wrong to still have feelings for someone whom u once loved so deeply.. haiz... dun say le.. i have been trying to get him out of mind... i just am disppointed with him.. very disspointed in fact... so this is where i stood in his heart... haiz....

pls get out of my head, my mind, my soul... i dun wana think of u anymore.. haven u coz mi enough pain? haven u stabbed my heart deep enough now pls... let mi heal this wound of mine... it'll take long... but i'll survive... now pls... leave mi alone... dun haunt mi in my dreams and creep into my thoughts anymore... memories of you and mi are tearing mi apart....

hehehehee....

2005-04-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

Exams are finally over... ehehhee... at least from my point of view.........

all is going fine... FINE...

2005-04-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today is a nice day.. the sun is shining... my life is perfect... My mum was ok....
SHE MERELY WOKE MI UP AT 8.30a.m WITH HER SCREAMS...

See? i was so hot yest at night and i switched on the aircon like one is the blue moons.. and i slept at 4a.m.... Studying lahz... I rem i closed the door before i sleep... and the next morn, she broke into my room screaming at mi, asking y i didn't close the door and why i was so rebellious... Y i wanted to go against her and make the room messy..(coz the aircon dripped water all the way to the living room).. HELLOOO...! like it was my fault... Like i planned it.. hey at this rate, i'll be going bonkers lah... seriously will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She started screaming non-stop about how she met with a clingy and useless man(which was my father) and gave birth to 2 incorrigible kids..(yeah yeah... She's talking abt mi and my lovely brother...)

My brother was sleeping and she was like shouting in the living room and my brother just slammed the door open, shouted at her," Fucking that's ur own business! I wan to slp!".. I was like WOW.............

hahaa... and so here i am, at mac, with my laptop, going to study physics... I think i should pronounce MAC my second home lahz.... Coz my real home is like driving mi... umm... wat should i say........ NUTS, CRAZY, BONKERS, HYSTERICAL?????????

yeah yeah.. i gonna study le... I seriously think GOD is playing a trick on mi now la... breakup, physics exam, family problems.... I'm not not not not SUPERWOMAN... So can someone give mi a break?

goIn' cRazy!

2005-04-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's not that i wana be the unfillial daughter or wat... or like i wana bitch about my mum.... But the thing here is...

MY MUM WENT CRAZY!!!!

serious... see? today, due to some errors on my printer, i stayed home to study.. Obviously, this was a wrong choice... My grandma came to our house and i was in my room studying physics....

When they went out, i was like bathing coz i was preparing to go mac finally coz she bought the printer ink for mi.....

Suddenly, when she came back, she went into my dog house(which is my room..hehe..) and saw 2 and i repeat.. TWO clothes on the floor.. She was practically going haywired thinking i messed up my room again.... She insisted that i was to pick it up immed but i was like busy with physics so i said i'll do it later...

Somehow or another, when i told her her nagging and screaming was driving everyone nuts(which i seriously regret which u'll see y later)... She screamed*continuously* with her two fists clenched, coming out of her room and was charging towards mi!!!! argh!!! she started punching mi like she was some sumo wrestler!!! and she kept pushing and ask mi to get out.(thru out she was screaming). so i said fine. she went into her room and the next min, she ran out of the room with a screw driver!!
She pointed at mi and told mi that i was to get out of the house within 10 mins or she'll kill mi! I SWEAR. yeah. that's my mum. She kept saying repeatedly that she was going to kill...

and did i mention earlier? She wanted to cut up my clothes.....

If u guys think that i'm not fine now, dun worry. I got out of hell. Oh god. I was so glad. and here i am at mac, safely typing this blog.... and studying my physics in PEACE. Oh mi tuo fu.. hahaha.... Well, what i m worried abt is wat she'll do to my room after i went out... People, pray with mi...

well well WELL!

2005-04-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

PPL, LOOK at the time now... LOOK!! i woke up especially early this morning to study ok? coz it's like physics exam is coming soon... and GUESS wat?

i wanted to print my notes, my magnetism notes and some other electricity parts that i didn't print.... and the stupid PRINTER went out of INK!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

ok.. then i tot... nvm... i still got my laptop to view notes from... AND THEN.... this internet thingy cannot open the PDF file... it came out some APACHE TOMCAT thingy.... What tomcat!?!?!?! i'm NOT a tomcat lah... I'm like the super official bimbo of the college of engineering and i am CERTIFIED ok????

I've got like the matriculation card lahz... Does the stupid computer see? oh welll... it doesn't... and it's like drving mi nuts....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let mi officially announce this... Somebody... I'll happy to know u all guys and u all have been such great frens to mi... well, i'll gladly appreciate it if well... umm... err....... u guys could like just.........
................
"SHOOT MI IN THE HEAD!!!!!"

Told u guys... Engineering isn't easy... See? i proved my point didn't I? Firstly, it isn't easy to study.... it isn't easy to score.... It isn't easy to understand... And now, it isn't easy to OPEN THE BLOODY NOTES LAHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life of a simple girl...

2005-04-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sitting at mac now....

brought my physics notes but not looking at them at all...

i'm so tired and sian.... physically and mentally...
hate studying...

looking at all directions.. up down left right... seeing the poster of fish o fillet on my left...
a bunch of my sec sch guy frens in front......

looking down, i see my notes... Shit... i hate it...
i have no mood to study at all.
y? y? can someone tell mi y....
it's not that i'm still unhappy over the breakup..
i seriously got over it...
it's just this super demoralizing feeling i'm getting abt studies...

Tell mi, what should i do to get the adrenaline rushing again?
staring into space.... hoping to gain some inspiration... but i've got none...
feels good writing in... i get to write and write and write.... in engineering, all i ever do is to think think think and try try try.... how boring can engineering make mi? To think i have to suffer for another 3 YEARS.... and god knows, the entire of my life as long as i live... hey... i know now... why dun somebody KILL MI....

u know there are times when u just wana keep on talking and talking and talking.... talking as in write...
and u wish the world would just SHUT UP and let u have ur own way for once?
that's wat i'm feeling now....
there are times when i wish i can be as carefree as the ah bengs and ah lians...
all they think abt is to go out with who the next day, and even thinking wat a chore it is to choose the 'perfect' clothes to flaunt their figures.... haiz..... And mi? have to think abt my exams, my studies.....

sometimes, i really wana be them... to enjoy a carefree life.... But den... I wun... coz i am not like that....

oh hell..... it's not bad a feeling now... i get to escape from my studies till tml... den and i mean DEN, my head's gonna blow again......

dumb blind deaf..

2005-04-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

I m deaf dumb and blind... numb.. just wana shut up. lock myself in the room.
away from the noise, away from the world.

just 3 good frens... belinda, yijun and yixing.

chemistry. no A. no hope. no nothing but shit. studied for hell and now i m in hell. thanks.

feel totally numb. no tears, no fears. can the world pls shut up and leave mi all by myself?

no disturbance. wana isolate myself. isolate mi.

COMPUTING !!!!!! I hate you

2005-04-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

DIE la........
Think the coffin will prove super useful....
i got no mood to study lah...
now how now how?
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now i'm gonna say something that's gonna please the whole entire world lah....
I wana KILL the person who invented COMPUTING....!!!!!

5a.m and i was still awake....

2005-04-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

Yest slept at 5a.m.

Thinking about a lot of things... He did replied mi afterall... at 3a.m...
he said ok and that he has stomachache so onli manage to wake up now....
anyway, i called him immed (k la... I still have feelings ma... of coz worried for him la..) den he said that his stomach was unwell...
I was like," Then why did u take care of urself!?!?!?!"
I ask him for the last time whet this was his last decision... All he said was he needed his freedom for the time being... I was like," ok... I needed it too...."
I told him that if he needed someone to talk to, can always find his frens... dun coop up his feelings...
den he was saying,"can i call u if i need to talk?"
bloody hell la...
what's he doing la... making mi hang in the middle of the air.....
very pissed and disappointed by this guy... seriously ppl.....
I felt that for this one year, I tot i was starting to know him so well, onli to find out i was TOTALLY wrong right from the start....
In fact, I didn't know him at all.....

"Guess Who" a nice show!! Thumbs UP!

2005-04-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

I watch a movie today...
super nice...
serious... ppl, u should watch it with ur gf/bf.....
It's so inspiring n touching n romantic.....
ppl who are heart-broken should watch it too...
i got enlightened by this show.....
There's one part that goes like this...

"Precisely it's becoz she's everything that i'm not... that's y she is my other half... She completes mi.... And i can't leave without her, becoz i already experienced what it's like to be a whole...."

" When it comes to LOVE, there's no dignity to talk about. If u love someone, u will tolerate and accept everything for who she is..."

"I can find a million reasons to break up with u... But i just wun..."
-well, i can also find a million reasons to cherish someone too i guess....

It's like... I realized what true love was after watching this show... I truely learn alot...
I smsed my bf this..

"U know something? Couples can find a million reasons to break up BUT they can also find a million other reasons to cherish the relnship. U chose not to... Do watch the movie "Guess Who", it's a nice show... I wun be a silly girl waiting for some1 who ain't want mi anymore. Find ur true love. i'll be happy for u..! n thanks 4 that perfect 1yr.. I'll meet u 2 return ur things aft my exams k? Cya!"

He didn't replied... His phone was switched off... I dun understand y he's doing this... We have to settle this relnship in a proper way, NOT like this... I dun need him to come back... I just need him to give mi a good ending....

what a hectic day... been slping all day long....

2005-04-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

Well well well....
maths was down... left with 4 more papers, but in exact words, it's 3 coz i'm not going for one...
haha.... super duper sianz lah...
dun feel like studying... we are having computing in like 3 more days.. tuesday lohz...
anyway, it was like raining so heavily and i was at NIE studying with constance they all....
haha.... abt to go home but no umbrella and the rain was like pi li pa la.....
LUCKILY got a free ride home from my fren lahz..
right to the doorstep of my house...
haha...
jealous right? k la... dun be...
if i manage to hitch him i'll share the joy with u guys...(haha.. kidding... he's just a fren..)
tml watching movie with one of my JC good frens... haha... he's coming all the way down to Jurong to watch movie with mi coz he know i exam...
so sweet right? haha..... he's a good buddy of mine....

P.S: i still miss him lehz... haha... looking for this car plate 7264 to arrive under my block...i know quite impossible la but LET MI DREAM CAN ANOT?

exam fever!

2005-04-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

haha.... it's like abt another 1 and half hour to my first paper... maths...
alright alright ppl... spare mi... I'm resting a while. I woke up at like 4am to study lohz....
heart goes thump thump thump... cosx, integration, maclaurin series, ODE, sequences..... HEADACHE argh!!!!
gosh gosh..... Thinking of that mei liang xin de here and there... Abit onli la ppl... dun scold mi....
I saw this "jia you okay dear dear!" yest on one of my used foolscap paper... written by him... teared ABIT..... but using that as my motivation.....
haha..... sob sob..... stressed...... anxiety..........
5......
4....
3..
2.
1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb!!!!!*****
alright i'm crazy... happy???

2005-04-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

BELINDA NEO blah blah.........

I wan my teddy bear!!!
boohoo! just saw ur comment!!!
gonna publish this!
TEDDY BEAR!!!!!!

you wun get away with this!
sob sob....... sob sob!!!

no teddy no bf... how bad can life get?
boohoo...
bully mi....

... lalala.... paused

2005-04-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

I saw him online today... the first time in weeks since we broke up.....
His nick was "bo meaning"...
what does that mean?
that life has started to have no meaning coz he slowly realize my absence?
or is this my own imagination?
whatever it is, i msn him telling him to take care and after which i signed out...
Guess wat....?
i still miss him..
i do....
i really do....
Hope he's happier without mi.....
As for mi, as usual, keeping an open mind, ready for him to come back, and prepared for him to disappear from my life FOREVER......
i really dunno..... my mind is like *$^#)%&$^%^#$*$&#^%(#&$.....
messy messy messy!!!

P.S: studying now... maths!!

thinking....

2005-04-13T00:18:00.000-07:00

i suddenly miss him again...
no no...
it's not the crying sobbing kinda miss him..
it's the lost feeling that i'm having...
i think abt the facial expression on his face when he saw the big stereofoam "i love you" that i made for him....
i was a nice and happy thingy den... but now....
hai....
back to study....

loving myself...

2005-04-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

As u guys can see, i haven been writing in for a pretty long time... haha...
tired of waiting for him le...
Instead, decided to indulge in retail therapy...
haha... spend spend spend..
shop shop shop...
bought a ralph lauren perfume recently... smells nice...
bought an esprit T-shirt too... $40 k?
haha...
but looks nice, feels nice...
feels pampered...
no longer having any worries becoz no longer need to care about his feelings, his call, no longer need to think abt his future..
It's now all about mi, mi, mi and ONLI mi.....
haha...

SINGLEhood... enjoyable too lohz....
Although i need hugs and kisses at times, but i guess i can get that from my secret admirers... haha... that's if i have any...
meanwhile, guys steer clear... coz SINGLEhood rulez...
It's clubbing and partying and shopping n working n relaxing and pampering!
That's what a woman should be like...
GUYS... errr... prob u should step aside?

P.S : k la k la... not all guys are bad.... most are...

waiting... waiting...

2005-04-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

It's been long since he last SMS mi... I'm still waiting... oh my... I still rem that two weeks ago this day, I was cooking english breakfast for him while he was still slping...

My heart is crying now... Heartbreak hurts... How can I ever study hard and live without him?

" Its not that there's no one chasing mi now... It's just my heart is still with U... And as long as I still love u, I wun betray my feelings and fall in love with someone else... Much less say accept him.... I'll wait. Till one day, my heart no longer pains when I mention U.... Till that day, I'll wait... Hate mi... I deserve it..."

"There's not another guy that will make my heart beat the way u can..."

It's been raining and raining and raining ever since we broke up... It seems... the sky is crying for mi...........................................................................................................................

P.S: I'm changing my temper....

jUmpIn' jUmPin...

2005-03-31T18:34:00.000-08:00

My heart goes thump thump thump as i wait for my long-awaited call... I wonder if he ever will call... It's been three complete days since he smsed mi... Wonder what he's up to.. I have a good feeling today.. A good intuition I would say.. I hope my intuition is right... If it's not? i'm never gonna trust it again... I mean, truth is... It's been one exact week le... hope he's clear of what he wans now....

Thump thump thump....

thump thump.....

waiting waiting waiting... for a chance...

Walking in the rain

2005-03-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

Sitting by the window...

Singing Songs of love.

wishing u were here

because the memories not enough...

Wear my mask in silence,

pretending i'm alright..

If u could see then u would be here

standing by my side..

It may be hard to believe,

but boy u're the only one i need,

it may be hard along the way,

this feeling i get when blue sky turns to grey..

Feels like i'm walking in the rain..

i find myself,

trying to wash away the pain...

Coz i need u to,

give mi some shelter.

Coz i'm fading away...

And baby, I'm walking in the rain...

Of all, we've said and done,

remains the memories of days when life was fun...

but now, when u are gone,

i sit alone to watch,

the setting of the sun....

ah..........

I miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him..............

So much.............

u threw my heart away....

one year ago, u picked it up......

i love u.

one exact week of cooling down...

2005-03-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better today... at least i no longer cry for his absence... It seems.. I've slowly come to terms with the fact that some things are just not meant to be.. It wasn't totally my fault. I would have changed if given another chance.. But since i'm not offered that chance that i treasured so much for, It's not worth changing for such a person either...

If he loves mi, he'll come back... I'm certain of that.. I believe he's not someone that will play with my feelings.. If he comes back, I know that he's serious abt mi.. Honestly speaking, I do have doubts on whet he's lying to mi and that he's having another girl out there.. I really dun wan to know. It hurts and it's gonna hurt more if i know the truth... If he does that, He'll live to regret.. For i've done my best as a gf... I have and I did... there wasn't much to say.. All i can say is... I have chosen the wrong man in the first place and placed the wrong trust in him..

I trust him... I believe that he wun do such a thing... If he's gone, he would be honest about it and let mi know abt the girl... Since he didn't mention about any girl, i choose to trust him. Please please tell mi that u didn't betray my trust for u....

It takes two hands to clap in a relnship... I wun have flare up easily if he had explained and hlp mi changed along the way... I would not have controlled him if he made the extra effort to re-assure mi... LOVE is about understanding and giving and taking and respecting. He should know that once u step into the love circle, u are not only answerable to urself but to the other party as well. She shares your other heart. If u bleed, she would too... If u are torn apart or sad, she'll feel the immense torture as well. That's love my dear.. I wonder when u'll ever understand that...

If he chose to listen to his frens and take their advice into great consideration, I can onli say Im disappointed. Greatly disappointed. Only u know mi. Onli u know how much I've done. How much I've changed. If u wana cling on to the unhappy fact that i mistreated u for the first 10 months, den we'll never be happy together.. NEVER.....

Bottomline is, I'm changing.. And u know that my darling... I'm changing. And it's all becoz I treasure u so much.. I'm still changing.. Not only for you, but for my family and mi as well...

I control u alot, becoz of all the dreams u've been telling mi about. Ur dreams of owning a BMW Z4.. come on baby, how can u ever reach that if u dun start by analyzing the frens ard u... I hope u'll learn the rights and kick away the wrongs... I'm sorry for controlling u from going out with them. I should have advised u to learn only the right, and not stop u from going out with them. It's not too late dear... Open ur eyes and heart and u'll know what's there for u to learn from. That i believe u are mature enough..

Study hard alright? u are a procrastinator... As long as u have mi by ur side, u'll onli blame mi for causing u to not be able to finish work on time. It's not mi dear, It's u.. U know that. How many times have i tell u to study and how many times have u replied that u are tired and that there is stilll time? dun be like that anymore.. This time round, without mi, u'll understand this fact... Trust urself alright?

Please do... P.S: In my heart, there's a hole. I feel it strongly. But i'm feeling better with every passing day.

I fell and tripped upon the burden of love...

2005-03-29T23:07:00.000-08:00

hey frens....

This is my first blog.. got much things to say.

I broke up with my bf. nope. he broke up with mi. i am so devastated. I felt so guilty. I could have done so much better. I could have curb my temper. I knew he meant so much to mi and yet? i chose to take him for granted. That's human nature isn't it?

Some saw mi as silly for rushing down to his house to plead with him. Some saw that as sweet. Mi? i saw that as LOVE. Did i expect him to return to mi? no i din. I onli wanted him to know how much he meant to mi. My heart was torn into a million pieces when he looked into my eyes and said " I have no feelings for u no matter how much u plead." My love, my effort, my trust in him, my faith and my feelings for him was flushed down the drain... Completely. I tried to cry. But i laughed. I tried to hide. But to no avail. There's no way anyone will understand what i went thru. The times when we went drawing at clifford pier where i drew his back and he drew mine. The times when we went to the fountain terrace after my work to sit down and talked about things. how we tried so hard to draw the steps at connaught drive.. The times we spent at Scent Shop while it was still there.. how he slept on my shoulders during our trip to KL. My heart hurts. to the extreme.

I loved. I tried. I tolerated. I lost.

Heard of this song "have u ever?"do hear it... It's meaningful. Gals, treasure your loved one when they are still by ur side. All i have been in the past was to anger him, to make him humour mi, to make him feel controlled. All to find, all i EVER wanted was for him to feel LOVED. But so? i lost him. I'm never going to get him back. No matter how much i cry, I can onli bear the lost by myself.

"I really love u darling... I can no longer say it to you in the face or sms u to tell u all these. I can no longer be there to watch ur back, to monitor ur smoking habits, to apply medicine for u... Promise mi, promise to take care of urself.. Or find another girl. It hurts. I'm sorry i lost all chances when i had them. I dun deserve them now. I miss u i miss u.. I wana cry out now n let the entire world hear it. But I can no longer say it to u. U were all that mattered to mi... I never did realized. But when i did, u left. U brought mi joy, courage and love. U were the sun that brought mi warm, the food that kept mi full, the essence that made mi smile and it was ur love that made mi grow... Please take care of yourself... Darling... Allow mi to call u darling for the last time..."

People, i'm crying now, without tears. My heart is bleeding profusely. All i can do is to save all the smses i wan to send him in my own hp in the outbox. It hurts. Terribly. I dun know where i'm going to find the courage to leave on without him. He was someone whom i loved and treasured so so so deeply.......